Prayer to the unknown God

Getting away from the mundane and trying our best not to spruce around and being our raw selves have always been a distant dream for many of us given the kind of society, people, commitments and problems that we voluntarily surround ourselves with. At times I am surrounded by people, yet alone and many a times I am in no man’s land but hardly alone. I decided to embark on a journey to a village by an ocean. The co-ordinates, the lat long and the specifics of the location are not so greatly important. Being a man from India with long strands of hair and equally long beard that hides half my face & saffron clad clothing easily qualifies me to be perceived at as a saint in the eyes of my fellow Indians. While I know I am very far from sainthood, I neither make claims or qualms about it. Honestly, I don’t care what people think. Some look at me with utmost reverence while some with disdain and contempt. I am used to these and so I literally do not bother. My changes both inward and outward have brought mixed feelings for my wife too and she is not trained to hide her emotions. I have trained myself now not to hide my emotions. What comes involuntarily for her is a trained act for me. My wife sometimes loses her cool claiming that she has had enough and I have sometimes spent sleepless nights when she threatens me that she would cut my hair and shave my beard when I am fast asleep. I let her nanny me around and she truly enjoys that. Do I put up with her? No! I like the way she is. It is just that she has still not come to terms with my new look and my approach towards life. So, I boarded a bus and there were some beautiful songs playing in the tape recorder. The bus was half empty and I had a complete three seater all to myself. I was basking on the rhythm and music that was playing in the background when the bus stopped to pick someone enroute. A lady completely covered in a black veil from head to toe boarded the bus with her daughter. She looked around and without hesitation decided to share the seat with me. Only a sect of people, especially orthodox Muslims wear a veil (called pardha) on top of their dress. These women usually do not share their space with a stranger, especially a man. The bus commenced its journey forward and it was around 7:00 AM and through the window, I could visibly see the crack of dawn. Sun was slowly coming out of nowhere and spreading warmth and trying to swallow up the dew and the thick cold air started to lighten up and breathing became easy and painless. I did not pay much attention to the lady or her daughter and was slumbering and was already half dead to the world. The bus started picking more people and the seats were completely occupied with people trying to squeeze in as much as possible. Eventually the lady had to place her daughter on her lap and free up the seat for an elderly woman who proved her presence by moaning at every bumpy ride the bus took. Her face appeared like a wrinkled blanket upon an age old frame and she had a permanent stoop. I locked eyes with her for a brief moment and her eye balls seemed sunk in misery and her retina looked extremely dry. I wondered if she had any more tears left in her. I turned away not able to withhold her daunted look anymore. I could no longer be comfortable and felt as if all my sleep were just swept away. The daughter of the lady was around five to six years of age and she looked beautiful. She looked like a perfect fresh rose in full bloom. I did not look into her eyes. I was simply whiling away time. The baby girl let out a shrewd uncanny noise and the lady tried to silence her. I ignored the girl and thought she was playing pranks with her mother. She did it yet again and then I realized that the daughter is a mentally challenged child with no oratory skills. I had my heart in my mouth and for the first time I looked her in her eye. I tried to level with her but her eyes were wandering everywhere. There was no steady look even for a brief second. I wondered what her thoughts would be. I silently turned myself away and started to look at the distant mountains but could not hold myself. Tears started trickling down my cheeks and I never had such heaviness in my heart. I ensured that nobody notices me and closed my eyes down and pretended to sleep. The girl let out another shrewd shrill sound and was immediately silenced by her mother. She was like a beautiful wild flower. I did not want to embarrass the mother by looking at the child. The girl placed her hand on my hand and started playfully tapping my fingers. Her touch tore me to pieces. I could have put my hand on fire but could not bear the pain of her mere touch. The mother was sitting just next to me and was looking at me as if begging to bestow upon her daughter my blessings. I was scared. I did not know how to respond. I turned my face away pretending to ignore both the baby and the mother. I was screaming inside asking god to grant me one wish. I wish I had the power to cure the baby. I had this just one wish. All else did not matter to me. My family and my own kid were not even in my thoughts. I prayed to the unseen and unknown god. I cried and asked for the girl to be cured. I did not have anything at all. Not my dreams. Not my wishes. Not even my own salvation. I would have traded my life for this one wish. I would have agreed to be bound to hell till eternity. I understood reality. I understood that I am a mere mortal and can only just pray. I opened my palms and this girl placed her chin down, her right cheeks completely buried in my hand. I felt that the whole world rested on me. She closed her eyes for what appeared to be a long and painful moment. I felt her surrender in every cell of her body. But surrender to what? How could I know? I knew not what life holds for her. I knew not if she will ever be cured. I felt as if an angel touched my soul and made her imprint forever. I would die any given day for her wellness. One moment, I felt an overwhelming pain engulfing me beyond the scope of my emotional capability and the other, I felt as if all that is spurious and not essentially I was draining out spurting and gushing not withholding the essence of my true self. Hours passed by and the bus would have halted a long time back. The driver woke me up and told me that all of the passengers left and that it is time for me to get down and the bus has reached the destination. I opened my eyes and had absolutely nothing to worry about. The lady and her daughter would have got down without disturbing my sleep. I did not cry anymore. I just prayed and surrendered to god and told myself that any day, I would be ready to bear the cross for the girl and the souls alike. It was not a demand, not even wishful thinking. Just a humble prayer. A serene calmness and a void bliss took over. My guilt and pain just withered away.