Kiss of Death

Taking the walk down the memory lane has always been easy for me than to plan for the future. Be it pain or happiness, it was always good to look back as I don’t have to be there and go through it again physically to feel it.


It was one fine summer morning and I was happily in the train watching the beautiful picturesque scenery that painted both sides of the rail road. It made me think that life moves like this very train and we are like the standing trees waiting to be uprooted.
I was 13 years then and was going to my grandma’s for the summer holidays. I always loved the country side. I remember my parents telling me that even as a toddler, I spent hours sitting in the barn that houses the cows and keep talking to them and to me they are great listeners even today.

I especially loved the pond that floated the lilies and lotuses and twenty years after, even today, I could not reach its bottom. People in the village say that the pond has been dug deep some twenty five years ago and is their only source of irrigation for all seasons and the good old wise men told me that they hadn’t seen any man dive down to feel the land beneath.

The kids of the village were great swimmers and they always play catch me if you can in the pond. I asked my cousin to get me the biggest lotus that lay in the middle of the pond. He is a great swimmer and was at it instantly. These country kids seriously had nothing to hide. They play and jump around in the water naked. They did not have anything to cover them. The pond had timings for everyone. The men always bathe in the evening after their day’s toil in their farm land.

Delightfully, everyone owned a piece of land in this village. Not that they are well off by birth but they were once led by a great soul who owned the entire village. Eventually, he shared his wealth with the people who toiled long and hard for many years in his land.

The women were early risers and they came before the sun and washed the linen and bathed and left. The pond was almost unvisited in the noon. Only on weekends, when the children don’t have to go to school, the pond had company all afternoon.

I was wearing a long waist cloth from waist to toe (We call it LUNGI) and was standing on the banks of the pond. I always wanted to jump in but was a bad swimmer. I felt compelled and seeing even the little ones do summersaults hurt my ego. I just jumped and was not bad at all. I was an athlete and had a great physique and stamina at least on the land. I was floating and moving my arms and limbs haphazardly and was moving inwards and staying afloat. I found strength and targeted the lotus in the middle of the pond.



By the time I reached the middle, I was exhausted and tired and I screamed at my brother. He saw me sinking in to the water and coming out frantically gasping for air. The long cloth that I wore felt very heavy inside the water and I was being dragged down. I was using my arms to come out of the water for air and was kicking hard to let go of the waist cloth. The cloth did loosen up at the waist, but only to tangle below the knees. I felt the end of the world. When I went inside the water, my eyes were wide open all the time. In the first few dips, the water was green. When I started drinking more water and was suffocating the same water appeared blue and then black.



I was too tired to move my legs and they let go of their ambition to kick the cloth out. I thought I kicked the bucket instead. The moment my legs stopped moving, the cloth fell off and almost involuntarily I started kicking my legs again and was on the surface once more and was fighting for my life not willing to visit the other side of the world.



My cousin was a couple of years older than I and reached out to me attempting to help. I, out of fear, held on to him, choking him and sending him under the water. It looked like, I would not die alone.



He sensed the danger of dying with me and kicked my torso hard and left me sinking. The next time, I came up for a breather, I faintly saw him on the banks. He was screaming for help. Next to the pond was a bamboo grove, where an old man was selectively cutting the full grown bamboos, to be used for a hut.



The man sensed the danger and ran across and nosedived in to the pond. He was in his sixties and was very wise. When he came near, he started talking to me “Now boy, listen to me. I am going to get you out. If you try to catch me, I will leave you and go. Do not attempt to swim. Do not move a muscle.” He kept repeating the same thing myriad times before he caught hold of my hair. He lifted me high enough to let me have continuous breath. He kept repeating the same thing over and over again till we reached the banks. I got out of water and sat on the nearby stone motionless and it was not good to feel the water in my lungs. It was horrible.



The country side has its ups and downs. My visit was approved by my father as my ailing grandma wanted to see me and everyone thought that it was her last wish. But she was the one who was badly devastated by my drowning. Everyone openly verbally abused her on her face stating that she was the cause of my accident. They told that she could not die alone and wanted to take me along with her. As a kid, I did not want to kiss her because she had wrinkles all over her face. She was in her late eighties. When she cried asking me to leave the village immediately, I too cried with her and hugged and kissed her.



I never came out of the house a couple of days, for I feared that the water in the pond would come and take my life away again. The grip of fear made me unwise.



During my entire struggle for life in the water, I did not think of God even once. Over the next few days, I felt ashamed and there was no dearth of guilt pounding my conscious self. I wanted to be forgiven. I keep asking even today.



Twenty years went by and I still did not find God’s plan for me. I am still searching. I take life as it comes. I don’t complain much. I am preparing to hold God in my thoughts when I kick the frame. I struggle every day. In my moments of adversity and joy I remember him. I thank him in the morning for giving me another day and I thank him when I go to bed and pray that he be in my thoughts in the very moments if I don’t wake up to see the sun.



I wish and pray that he be a permanent resident of my heart.

Prayer to the unknown God

Getting away from the mundane and trying our best not to spruce around and being our raw selves have always been a distant dream for many of us given the kind of society, people, commitments and problems that we voluntarily surround ourselves with. At times I am surrounded by people, yet alone and many a times I am in no man’s land but hardly alone. I decided to embark on a journey to a village by an ocean. The co-ordinates, the lat long and the specifics of the location are not so greatly important. Being a man from India with long strands of hair and equally long beard that hides half my face & saffron clad clothing easily qualifies me to be perceived at as a saint in the eyes of my fellow Indians. While I know I am very far from sainthood, I neither make claims or qualms about it. Honestly, I don’t care what people think. Some look at me with utmost reverence while some with disdain and contempt. I am used to these and so I literally do not bother. My changes both inward and outward have brought mixed feelings for my wife too and she is not trained to hide her emotions. I have trained myself now not to hide my emotions. What comes involuntarily for her is a trained act for me. My wife sometimes loses her cool claiming that she has had enough and I have sometimes spent sleepless nights when she threatens me that she would cut my hair and shave my beard when I am fast asleep. I let her nanny me around and she truly enjoys that. Do I put up with her? No! I like the way she is. It is just that she has still not come to terms with my new look and my approach towards life. So, I boarded a bus and there were some beautiful songs playing in the tape recorder. The bus was half empty and I had a complete three seater all to myself. I was basking on the rhythm and music that was playing in the background when the bus stopped to pick someone enroute. A lady completely covered in a black veil from head to toe boarded the bus with her daughter. She looked around and without hesitation decided to share the seat with me. Only a sect of people, especially orthodox Muslims wear a veil (called pardha) on top of their dress. These women usually do not share their space with a stranger, especially a man. The bus commenced its journey forward and it was around 7:00 AM and through the window, I could visibly see the crack of dawn. Sun was slowly coming out of nowhere and spreading warmth and trying to swallow up the dew and the thick cold air started to lighten up and breathing became easy and painless. I did not pay much attention to the lady or her daughter and was slumbering and was already half dead to the world. The bus started picking more people and the seats were completely occupied with people trying to squeeze in as much as possible. Eventually the lady had to place her daughter on her lap and free up the seat for an elderly woman who proved her presence by moaning at every bumpy ride the bus took. Her face appeared like a wrinkled blanket upon an age old frame and she had a permanent stoop. I locked eyes with her for a brief moment and her eye balls seemed sunk in misery and her retina looked extremely dry. I wondered if she had any more tears left in her. I turned away not able to withhold her daunted look anymore. I could no longer be comfortable and felt as if all my sleep were just swept away. The daughter of the lady was around five to six years of age and she looked beautiful. She looked like a perfect fresh rose in full bloom. I did not look into her eyes. I was simply whiling away time. The baby girl let out a shrewd uncanny noise and the lady tried to silence her. I ignored the girl and thought she was playing pranks with her mother. She did it yet again and then I realized that the daughter is a mentally challenged child with no oratory skills. I had my heart in my mouth and for the first time I looked her in her eye. I tried to level with her but her eyes were wandering everywhere. There was no steady look even for a brief second. I wondered what her thoughts would be. I silently turned myself away and started to look at the distant mountains but could not hold myself. Tears started trickling down my cheeks and I never had such heaviness in my heart. I ensured that nobody notices me and closed my eyes down and pretended to sleep. The girl let out another shrewd shrill sound and was immediately silenced by her mother. She was like a beautiful wild flower. I did not want to embarrass the mother by looking at the child. The girl placed her hand on my hand and started playfully tapping my fingers. Her touch tore me to pieces. I could have put my hand on fire but could not bear the pain of her mere touch. The mother was sitting just next to me and was looking at me as if begging to bestow upon her daughter my blessings. I was scared. I did not know how to respond. I turned my face away pretending to ignore both the baby and the mother. I was screaming inside asking god to grant me one wish. I wish I had the power to cure the baby. I had this just one wish. All else did not matter to me. My family and my own kid were not even in my thoughts. I prayed to the unseen and unknown god. I cried and asked for the girl to be cured. I did not have anything at all. Not my dreams. Not my wishes. Not even my own salvation. I would have traded my life for this one wish. I would have agreed to be bound to hell till eternity. I understood reality. I understood that I am a mere mortal and can only just pray. I opened my palms and this girl placed her chin down, her right cheeks completely buried in my hand. I felt that the whole world rested on me. She closed her eyes for what appeared to be a long and painful moment. I felt her surrender in every cell of her body. But surrender to what? How could I know? I knew not what life holds for her. I knew not if she will ever be cured. I felt as if an angel touched my soul and made her imprint forever. I would die any given day for her wellness. One moment, I felt an overwhelming pain engulfing me beyond the scope of my emotional capability and the other, I felt as if all that is spurious and not essentially I was draining out spurting and gushing not withholding the essence of my true self. Hours passed by and the bus would have halted a long time back. The driver woke me up and told me that all of the passengers left and that it is time for me to get down and the bus has reached the destination. I opened my eyes and had absolutely nothing to worry about. The lady and her daughter would have got down without disturbing my sleep. I did not cry anymore. I just prayed and surrendered to god and told myself that any day, I would be ready to bear the cross for the girl and the souls alike. It was not a demand, not even wishful thinking. Just a humble prayer. A serene calmness and a void bliss took over. My guilt and pain just withered away.

Leaders Vs Managers

There is a saying. There are many managers but a few leaders and that is true. As is, the term is signatory of what it is. A manager manages the show while a leader leads it. In today’s Corporate culture, Managers are in the front and you know the team by knowing the manager. If a group/team does very well, it is because it behaves like a group/team. It shows maturity as a group/team and it happens only when a group has a leader. A leader need not be and won't be a front runner all the time. Most of the time, Managers fail to understand that they are part of the team. It gets worse when they have multiple teams to handle. Managers drive work/projects and ensure that TAT is met, necessary standards are in place and the work/project is delivered to the clients/customers according to the Work Order. If a work fails,managers do the issue analysis and document errors, write SOPs, come up with Preventive action & have meetings to ensure that this is communicated to the team. Even at this point of the time, it is the Manager vs the team and not the manager and the team. This culture is across groups, domains, locations, companies & even geographies.When something good happens, Managers are trained to appreciate the team and/or individuals. They do it because they are expected to do it. Managers to the Work force ( I strongly identify myself as one among the team),according to my personal view are in many contexts a reflection of what politicians are to common people. A politician would not know on what core values their party was founded on. In fact, I know of an instance when a party worker was expelled from the party because he spoke about the values and ideologies based on which the party was built. Sadly, I have been the victim of such incidents myself but would not care to speak about them. I have learnt a lesson. A very important one. I have taken a vow that none of my people have such experiences. Managers more often than not are also victims. They fall a prey to power,growth,compensation and pride. They succumb to the pressure from above and I have seen some who feverishly and blindly follow instructions to the word and in the process fail to understand that they deal with people and that everything that is built are for the people to perform. The system, tools, policies, infrastructure, facilities are all in place for people to perform. The problem/divide starts with the approach. Managers think that workforce should be trained to fit in to the existing models/systems. It is not the existing models/systems in place that are a problem. It is the approach. Appraisals are done not keeping in mind the contributions of the workforce in the past year but what utilization can be derived from the work force in the future. There are no two ways about it. Many a facts can be submitted to challenge this but yet the truth remains the same. Rewards & recognition are used to ensure that disgruntled, disengaged, about to leave employees of the company are given something to stay back. Rewards & recognition play a major role in the final Attrition % of the company for a given year. Is it supposed to be like that? I thought R&R is a tool used to reward performance and recognize the talent. Managers often fail to understand that there is only a thin line of difference between Hypocrisy & Diplomacy. I hate the word pleasing for one main reason. People please others either in return of the favor or for the want of a futuristic one. I strongly believe that the word pleasing is almost out of the context in today’s corporate world when it comes to the workforce reporting to us.Managers should touch our hearts and see if we can recover any instance from our memory where we were out pleasing our work force without any strings attached. It is a true reflection of self. No one needs to know. You are the knower and you are the known. I know that some of us won’t even be doing this genuinely because we have such auto self defenses in place. We have been groomed like that. It takes more to be true. It takes an understanding that the sky will still be blue and you will still live. One should understand that it is good to feel bad. What is bad is doing something bad and not having an understanding that you have done bad. Let’s take a peep in to a leader's role/world. Leaders drive workforce and deliver them to success. Leaders are visionaries. When there is a failure, leaders address it stating that "they" have failed and not "you" have failed. When something great happens, leaders take the backseat and owe it to the team. It gives them such pride when they see their team or member of their team in the spotlight of fame/recognition. I have seen it happen. They are genuine and they understand. If someone is in the corporate world long enough, they will know that they have witnessed similar incidents/issues when they encounter fresh problems. A Leader is wise enough to know this and endures to address the problem and not to victimize anybody. Finding a leader, is like sighting a tiger in the forest but yet, I had the chance to work with such a leader. When there is a problem, leaders understand that they should kill the problem and not the person who caused it. Leaders have time for everything. Leaders know that what is important to a fellow worker may not be important to them but yet respect every individual's choice and space. It takes more than class rooms to become Leaders. It takes character and core moral values infused in the blood stream to be an authentic leader. The only way to bring out more leaders is to harness the work force and channelize their raw potential. Every individual is an unpolished diamond. You need to criticize & appreciate where and when necessary. 90% of an individual's learning at all levels comes from a direct perception of what he/she sees. Head of a group should walk the talk and practice what he/she preaches. It is a continuous process. Just being diplomatic does not help. One needs to be authentic. There is no assurance that all those whom we groom will stick to the company, but be assured that we have made the right choices. Be assured that whomever we have with us will be authentic.

Come out of Sorrow

When one identifies the difference between reality and Imagination and has no means to bridge this gap, he/she paves way to worry. When one is worried he is trapped in this gap and it is the worst disease mankind can ever have. It ruins health and deteriorates the qualities of the five sense organs. Worry is caused by the absence of intellectual knowledge when a particular not so comfortable finding or an incident happens in one's life and when one doesnot know the reason for such a happening.

I will give you a simple,very powerful yet not so easy technique to combat sorrow.
First, Let us know how we react on different occassions.
When we are at peace, we are calm and composed and our BREATH has a smooth rhythm.
When we are tensed or scared our BREATH takes a uphill path.(Stomach Churning)
When we are joyous and ecstatic our BREATH takes a downhill path. (Heart feels light)
When we are angry our BREATH is fast and short.(Facial reaction)

Though we have only one body, it behaves in a different fashion when subjected to different inward and outward conditions which means that our body is not feelproof.
So, when you identify yourself with passion,Joy,anger,lust,sorrow, pain (you name any feeling) and so many other complications, irrespective of whether you feel good or bad, you should have your consciousness on your BREATH. Just have a easy, full, deep, diaphragmatic breathing.

Though you can witness these feelings above, you should not identify yourself through them. Apply common sense whereever possible. Let us say that you play a game and you win. You feel very happy. Can you sustain this happiness forever? Definitely no. The moment you lose you become gloomy and sad faced.Then why have such a feeling which does not last forever?
But PEACE can be a permenant resident of your mind and body with this little practice called BREATH consciousness.

In all your three states (waking, dreaming, deep sleep) that you identify yourself with, you breathe. Is breathing a conscious effort? No, it is an involuntary or subconsious action. But adding consciousness to BREATH will remove all pain and sorrow. A great man said " Breath! One's only prayer. Consciousness! one's only god. Humanity! one's only religion".


On an average an ordinary man breathes (in and out is one cycle) 15 times per minute. In a day we breathe 21600 times. But people with breath consciousness breathe only 16000 times in a day on an average.
These people normally live longer than an average man and they are not affected by any health issues.Their aging process is slow. They are at peace all the time. so what do these men do? Do they stop breathing in between? NO.... They breathe all the time. But they have a deep, full diapragmatic breathing all the time. Try it. It might seem difficult initially but once you are skilfull in this art, you are at peace all the time.

Let us identify the science behind this. When we breathe in, we take in oxygen and when we breathe out, we give out corbon di-oxide. When we have short breath or uneven breath, we fail to give enough oxygen to all corners of the body.
Those cells which are deprived of oxygen are trapped with corbon dioxide and die out. We all know that after a certain age we don't grow. This means that the production of newer cells stops or reduces drastically after a particular age and also we with our improper breathing technique add to the injury by killing more cells as a result of which we show varied symptoms of aging depending upon our body conditions and breathing pattern.
Live longer. Live until you die. Breathe deep. Breathe easy. Be always breath conscious.

How I Quit Smoking

I have recently after starting to experiment with my mind and body through Tantric meditation thought about death. The very Idea of death was scary.
Later I started remembering the few occassions I have been to the death ceremony of my relatives and friends family and I forced myself to go through the same feeling and emotional turmoil I was in when I attended these deaths. I also remembered the numerous occasions when I read about deaths, Killings and bombings through Newspapers.

I was able to find the difference between witnessing death and hearing about death though my Intellectual logic strongly told me that death is the same on both the occassions. I was angry with my self for not treating death on both the occassions with the same degree.
I meditated on this thought for a week and was amused at what I found. The degree of Impact that death had on me was only because of my attachment to the object of death directly or indirectly. I was very happy that I found the answer.

But , I decided to confirm the truth of this finding and wanted to experiment. I was sure that the only way to experiment on this is to die. But again, I wanted to live through this experience and not die with the experiment. So I decided to let go of something that I am very attached with. The very thing that came to my mind was smoking. I felt that to leave smoking and controlling the urge was like the very act of dying. I thought this would be the best way to experiment.

I stopped smoking at 9:30 PM of 1st October 2008. The next day morning (2nd October) at around 11:30 AM,I was having the urge to smoke. I thought about death and said that I will go through this experience with out smoking by attaching myself to that urge. I went through such pain and agony and could feel my body craving for Smoke. By afternoon, I thought that I will go mad if I go through this pain.

At around 2:00 PM I wanted to experience this with out my attachment towards the urge. I strongly said to myself that If this very habit has to control me so much then I cannot be a human being with dignity and pride and I allowed my EGO to fully occupy my mind and consciously told myself that this urge for smoke will not kill me if I don't smoke and that this urge will leave me once it finds that it cannot fight my undettered will and trust me with in a few minutes, I was completely free from this urge and I used to go through attachment and detachment of this urge ( of smoking) with out smoking at my own will. When I instructed my mind to get attached to smoking, My body was craving for smoke and the next moment when I ordered my mind cease attachment, my body and mind were free from this urge. Once I started experiencing the experiment I decided that I will renunciate smoking for ever.

Come what may, Always remember, be it day or night, the SUN never knows darkness

I want it; I don't want it.

The Moment your mind has raised a request or a need and you want something, you have to go through an extensive process in your mind and body to achieve your want. This is strenuous. But you have a choice of saying that you don't want it. Before the want beomes a desire and you involuntarily start meditating on the very thought of a want, if you say NO,the very thought itself is uprooted and you don't have to go through the pain. Be it anything.


Let us take the example of smokers. Think of the first day one would have started to smoke. On the very day, when his mind fancied the act of smoking, there were a lot of fear and anxiety one has to go through. He first is scared of the very act of smoking. He asks himself " What will happen if my family comes to know that I am smoking? Will smoking cause cancer? Will I be addicted? Will people hate me if I smoke? Will there be any side effects? " and so on. And only if the mind works on nullifying all these questions with convincing answers, will it give a go ahead for the very act. Now once the mind ignores all these auto suggestions and questions, the
person takes up smoking and while in the act itself, the smoke initially causes irritation to the body and the person starts coughing. The Body tells the mind that it has to cease the act as it is causing dis-ease (Disease is nothing but dis ease). But the Mind pushes the body to go ahead convincing the body that the pain will pass through and soon he will be able to enjoy smoking. So, for the want (Smoking) to be fulfilled, the person has to go through this physical and mental trauma and slowly the person gets habituated and enjoys the act.Imagine if the person (actually his mind) has said NO to smoking in the very beginning. In such a case the
person(Mind and Body) need not go through the pain at all.


Over the years, the person has a thorough enjoyment and can't stay with out smoking. Imagine one final day, he decides to give up smoking. What does the person say to himself? He never says "I don't want to smoke". Instead he says " I WANT to quit smoking". Again the person has identified a WANT. To acheive what he wants he has to go through the same initial pain that he went through the first time he started to smoke. He has to force his body to renunciate smoking. His mind, he has to make powerful with the will of his heart to give up smoking.


This is the true meaning of attachment and detachment. Remember, If you are not attached to anything you don't have to detach your self. Attachment and detachment has to happen with the side effect of either happiness or pain. The only sutra which has no side effect is non attachment which is often misunderstood as detachment.It is highly impractical to practise non attachment over everything. But if your intellect decides, whether an attachment is worthy of an experience, then their will be no concept of detachment. It is either attachment or non attachment.

Me and the Master

Master
To drink waters from wisdom spring
our minds we must to stillness bring
Then crystal bowl of tranquil mind
with Gnosis fills of supernal kind
But if the very thoughts of mind be as fleeting deer and hind
Such men to wisdom's ways are blind

Me
Lord be Kind I know not how to still my mind
To wisdom's path I am blind
To leave my past behind and to seek beyond
Teach me to unwindthe myseries I find
I cry! Oh I cry! Lord be Kind
My Logic became very sharp
I always find a reason for what ever I do
But My power to open up, the sixth sense I have lost
The price I paid for civilisation, My sixth sense
Not Knowing to find peace with in
I wandered in Plains unknown Seeking peace,
Mistaking Pleasure for joy Seeking Peace outside I settled for lust
I forced my body and mind to accept pleasure
Now they have become slaves and cant live with out these petty pleasures
Oh Lord! I have stained my soul again and again
mistaking pleasure for joy I searched for external tools to make me happy
unware of the difference between Happiness and Joy
Oh! Lord Be Kind
I know not how to still my mind.